The things we do
by hearmelaugh
Summary: AU, Yuuri and Wolfram. "Let's be kinky."


"Let's be kinky."

Yuuri could smell danger in the air as obviously as a shark could smell a severed limb in the ocean.

And like that shark he would head straight for it; his personal nature was a terrifying thing.

Wolfram smelled like blood?

Not really; Wolfram smelled like Wolfram, like the colour blue-gold and the sun, not coppery and sharp and occasionally terrifying like blood. No, no. Wolfram was sustenance, yes, and he was young still but Yuuri knew better than to think that would change with time. Wolfram was sustenance, yes, and Wolfram was dangerous, and Wolfram smelled like a colour, and Wolfram was Wolfram, which was why when weird words came out of that lovely, scary mouth, Yuuri would come a-calling.

"Sorry, what?"

The blond buffed his fingernails, feigning nonchalance. It was futile, since Wolfram was not someone who would perform grooming habits in front of people, not even Yuuri. He only did that when he was feigning something.

Nonchalance, confidence, arrogance. Feigning a feint, Wolfram so desperately wants to be believed, so almost as desperately Yuuri will believe.

"I said, 'let's be kinky', wimp. We've been going out for a while now, and we've known each other even longer, and we haven't done... _it_ yet, but we should, and if we're going to do it together for the first time, then... let's be kinky."

The only thing to show that Wolfram wasn't as comfortable with the idea as his act of admiring his hands would lead to believe was the short hesitation at the mention of _it_.

Yuuri blushed a bright shade of red.

Not that he hasn't thought about it, give him strength, Yuuri is pure of heart but he's just a boy and having Wolfram around all the time, having Wolfram as a partner who tackles and hugs him, well, it was a mathematical impossibility to resist having entertaining dreams and fantasies.

He knew how it all worked out, because Yuuri is Japanese and Yuuri is careful, so he has done the research for both parts, so that if (when!) the time came he would be prepared to do his very best. The idea of full-on nudity was not a comforting one, though that only applied when the nudity was his.

When it was Wolfram's Yuuri finds the call of his inner demonic porn king and wants to whip out a camera and take as many pictures as lovingly (lovingly lovingly lovingly) as possible.

"... I'm game if you are."

Wolfram looked taken aback, but managed to return to his senses and grin roguishly. He leaned across the sofa and pressed a short kiss to Yuuri's temple, and Yuuri thinks that he can feel Wolfram shaking. He is somewhat concerned that he doesn't know if it's due to excitement or fear, because Wolfram would insist on doing something he isn't at all comfortable with just to warm the hearts of the people he cared about.

Which was so silly, for Wolfram who was basically an adult.

Silly, silly, silly, because Wolfram calling him just to wile away the time was enough to warm his heart. Yuuri too is silly, Yuuri thinks, and he's fairly certain this all-encompassing cloak of warm feelings would not last forever, and eventually it may take a little more to warm his heart, but for now Yuuri will stand for what he is.

What he is is a boy who feels delight at the very thought of his Wolf.

"So," said Wolfram, now fiddling with his watch. "So, what exactly do you find kinky?"

This was a sprung surprise, and Yuuri is shocked as a vole. "Umm.... You?"

That drew a smile from Wolfram, and Yuuri is certain he has just said something very very intelligent (he has). This time Wolfram abandoned the distance of propriety between them altogether and scooted closer on the couch, leaning against him heavily.

"I occasionally wonder how I have managed to resist your charms for so long, wimp. Now is one of those times."

This is hea-ven. So very ve-ry hea-ven-ly (let's be syllabic babe!).

"Well, aside from you, umm... honestly, Wolf?"

The blond head cleverly wormed its way under Yuuri's chin, and Yuuri's neck is tickled by the strands but he can live with it. It's a bearable discomfort, as are many things about Wolfram's abrasive (ticklish?) behaviour. Wolf hummed, his quiet way to tell Yuuri to get a move on.

Yuuri swallowed nervously. This was not something he had ever thought he would divulge to the object of his substantial affection, but Wolfram was dangling a hell of an opportunity in front of him, and to recall the shark analogy, Yuuri will go with his body and bite.

"I've always liked seeing you in the kitchen."

* * *

Wolfram was adamant that they attempt this particular fantasy at the palatial kitchen in his home, but Yuuri was equally adamant that the only sex Wolfram would be attempting there would be self-love. Wolfram's brothers were honest, good men. Gwendal was responsible and Conrad was kind, and Yuuri knew they both liked him.

Yuuri also knew they would both like to do certain things to certain parts of his anatomy to ensure that nothing unsavoury happened to their baby brother. The thought of their first time being happened upon by Gwendal or Conrad was almost enough to make Yuuri take an eternal vow of celibacy.

So instead they were pacing in the kitchen of Yuuri's small apartment. Wolfram had wanted to move in with him, but due to the security threat posed, the blond was prevented from doing so and totally bringing awesome to the rest of Yuuri's life. Wolfram's family were filled with influential and wealthy people, and a lot of people would want an in with such a family; in the end it was Yuuri who told Wolfram to stay in his familial home and stay safe. Wolfram had stopped speaking to him for days afterwards, and it was agonising, but eventually they both recognised that Yuuri had made the right choice.

The kitchenette had nothing fancy, but everything looked well-used and worn. Wolfram liked how homely it all was, and domesticity was something he had a huge soft spot for (as nothing very much about his beloved family was domestic, oh dear).

"How're we going to do this?"

The blond shrugged, and leaned against a microwave. "Your fantasy, wimp. Since it's you, I'm sure I'll like whatever you decide." Oh, that smile was so radiant Yuuri's heart hurt a little. Wolfram could be so charming and disarming when he is straight-forwardly sweet. "Really, how bad can it be when it's us doing it?"

Stop, stop, dear blond one, or Yuuri will be a puddle at your feet before long.

Yuuri clutched his heart anyway. "Wolf, you should know that I seriously love you."

Wolfram flushed with pleasure, because whatever sweetness he could exude, Yuuri was a pure saccharine assault on his senses.

"Kind of hard to miss, wimp." He began unbuttoning his shirt, but it was obvious that Wolfram wasn't as comfortable as he was pretending to be. For one thing, he was still trying to buff his fingernails as he worked small buttons off, absolutely refusing to look at Yuuri and concentrating on the task as though it was a matter of life and death.

But hey. If they do badly enough at this, it might spell the end of their relationship, right? Maybe Wolfram wasn't going about this wrongly at all. Yuuri wonders if maybe he should change into a black shirt to mourn before he takes it off to try.

The shirt was all the way unbuttoned, and hung loosely off Wolfram's shoulders. The blond was holding his breath, though there was no reason to (he didn't have an ounce of unneeded fat on him, lean as a wolf, our Wolf).

"This... is a lot more embarrassing than I anticipated." Wolfram was talking to the floor.

Yuuri wanted to shout "Aye!" in agreement, but broke into laughter instead because this was supposed to be the start of a wonderful pleasurable exploration of the physical nature, yet it was looking more and more like an awkward first date.

Which was nostalgic, because their first date had been an exercise in humiliation.

But oh, Wolfram does have _such_ a nice abdomen. Pale and smooth and awesome, and he was looking at Yuuri with confused green eyes (laughter was uncalled for, Wolf thought).

Yuuri moved to get him, because even if they failed terribly they should damn well try their hardest before Wolfram called for help (because Yuuri would jump in front of a bullet for Wolfram, and would shove Wolfram out of the way to catch the bullet himself, and would rather have a hole bored through his body than have Wolfram hurt, so yes, any injury would only be on himself, thanks ever so much).

Yuuri pressed a kiss to Wolfram's cheek and comfortably settled his hand on a hip.

Wolfram's skin is soft and warm, and Wolfram's hipbone is solid (Yuuri thinks this might work).

He moved to kiss the other cheek, because Yuuri is an equal opportunities kind of guy, and Wolfram is humming with his eyes half-closed. Yuuri settled his other hand on Wolfram's other hip, and walked him back until the blond was pressed into the counter.

He moves so that his lips are a breath away from Wolfram's, and decides that that is a perfectly respectable distance (if he could speak as he kissed, he would).

Wolfram's hand was clenching and unclenching convulsively on the counter top, close to the blender they'd bought on that memorable first date. Yuuri saw it and laughed softly, pressing a polite kiss to Wolfram's lips before resting his chin on Wolf's shoulder, sighing into an ear.

"We're going to be together for a very long while, Wolf. It has to get better eventually."

Wolfram is fairly certain it has gotten better already.

"What," he stopped and swallowed, because Yuuri was breathing normally, but swirling air around one's ear can get rather distracting. "What," he tried again, valiantly and gulpingly, "exactly do you want to do here?"

Yuuri turned his head a little to peck Wolfram's neck, then mumbled against the pulse there. "You, naked, the kitchen. Just you 's enough, everything else is sugar on top of candy on top of a cake, my Wolf."

And _snap_! is the sound of control breaking. Yuuri's hands rub lazy circles on his sides, and Yuuri tugged him down onto the floor most insistently, and Wolfram has lost what little inhibition he had.

Wolfram's hand shot out to curl in Yuuri's hair.

Wolfram's hand was coiled in the wire on the counter top.

Yuuri's blender shot out right alongside Wolfram's hand.

It was Fate that Wolfram did collapse romantically in Yuuri's arms on the floor, hand tousling black locks.

It was physics that the blender slammed into the back of Wolfram's head a short moment later, knocking the blond out.

And it was absolutely _hilarious_, Yuuri thought bitterly as he called for an ambulance after making sure Wolfram was breathing, that the thing they had blindly chosen to buy in the department store after the saleslady started giving them weird looks on their first date was what stopped them from their first time.

* * *

When Wolfram woke up several hours later, Yuuri was asleep curled up on a chair next to his hospital bed, and it was nighttime.

Nature called and Wolfram swung his legs off the side, careful to make as little noise as possible. Bare feet touched the cold ground, and he somehow managed a silent hiss at the feel. Toes tapped against the floor looking for socks or shoes or anything, and he put them on when he found a pair of slippers. Wolfram stood up and groaned, hand going straight to his head as a headache pounded merry hell.

His fingers brushed against the rough cloth of the bandages, and making low whines Wolfram shuffled for the toilet, walking slowly for the sliver of light.

First thing he did was stare at his reflection (he looked like he'd died).

Second thing he did was stare at the bandage.

In neat script, over and over again someone had scribbled ISLU (cute code for I _seriously_ love you) all over it; maybe it was meant to keep him company when he was with his reflection? Yuuri could get some pretty weird ides, honestly.

Then he thinks and mutters, "Damn, this is too cute and low of the wimp!"

If he hadn't felt dizzy, Wolfram would have marched to the bed and demanded they had sex to show how much he appreciated the soft heart that is Yuuri.

* * *

A/N: Hi guys. Running on Empty will be slow to get an update; I'm in a rather formidable writer's block regarding it, and I'm having my exams now, so there's no time to work kinks out. Really sorry about that, so have some ghey fluff instead! Initially this was supposed to have three other parts (written for the magnificient Ryn), but I couldn't make them work. This stands as completed, but if ever I'm inspired, I'll continue here instead of as one-shots. As ever, reviews are much appreciated, though mostly I just hope this was a pleasant read. Have a good weekend everyone!

Oh, and what rating should this be?


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